The Gigi Factor

My best friend in high school (let’s call her Gigi!) was super thin and had all kinds of other wonderful traits about her. She really enjoyed pushing the limits and often wore very little clothes. At fifteen. In the late 80’s. She was pretty punk rock. You can imagine how much attention she garnered in our little town. As awesome as she was in so many ways hardly anyone bothered to know, though, because they were so hung up on her extreme body confidence. The way girls HATED her because of her body and the way she showed it! And then there were the guys (pretty much any and every man and boy) that would fall all over themselves to talk to her. But that was only when she was around. Behind her back men would say the filthiest things about her, which I get, it’s what guys do, but that’s all they’d say. They wouldn’t talk about her witty jokes or great taste in music or any of the other things that made ME want be friends with her – it seemed to always be something filthy or hateful and mean. All the wonderful things about her seemed to be negated in the majority’s eyes by her body and their reactions to how she displayed it. So what got fed into my brain as an impressionable teen from all of this is that being sexy makes you a joke and forces guys to no longer see you as a real person. And what I’ve learned in the years since then hasn’t changed that general impression. What’s been added is the knowledge that, even when a woman IS respected, if she’s even moderately pretty and has a nice body they may be extolling her other virtues, but there are dirty thoughts going on about her in male minds. I’m no prude. I don’t mind being an object of desire and I understand that many women enjoy that attention and find it flattering. It’s totally natural! But I’ve got issues. The thought of ­ inspiring dirty thoughts in random friends and strangers freaks me out. That’s not hyperbole; I am thinking right now of walking down the street and men leering and I can’t stop myself from shuddering and feeling queasy. Does being fat allow me to be more in control of who’s attracted to me? Does my extra layer of fat give me an extra layer of protection from creeps and predators? I’ve concluded that some part of me must think so.

Gigi and I remained best friends through our twenties, but she was pretty toxic. She was always saying shitty things about my flaws, I mean really MEAN things, but it was in joke form so that made it okay. She would literally cluck her tongue and make a little frowny face at my imperfections. How does that not mess with your head when your beautiful best friend acts like she pities you and you know that you’re going to be the butt of some joke at some point any time you get together? I’m kind of disgusted that I didn’t end my friendship with her sooner, but self-respect has never been my strong suit. I did end it, though, and thirteen years later I am still confident I did the right thing. The thought of having a half-dressed best friend hanging around making me feel like shit all the time now that I’m all old and bitter just makes me want to puke. I’d probably have ended up punching her if we’d stayed friends. So, that’s one little peek at one little contributor to my fat psychosis. There’s plenty more where that came from so stay tuned!

-Lily

EDIT: I read this post to my husband, who knows that I’m trying to blog through some feelings about my weight (although not exactly where). His reaction? “I didn’t realize Gigi affected you like that. Don’t let that bitch affect whether or not you’re fit. Don’t let her…” Make me feel like less of a woman? Continue to affect how I feel about myself? Allow how people reacted to her oversexualized dress to make me so cynical? Don’t let her cruelty hurt me any more? No. “Don’t let her ruin it for ME.” Because the tragedy here is not how my self-worth and worldview have been affected, but that The Husband doesn’t have a thin wife. Way to reinforce the ever-present belief that nothing is more important than NOT being fat.