DAY FOUR JUICE FAST

This morning, I was a little bit empty and shaky. Not hungry, but my hands felt "light-headed," if you know what I mean. I had my coffee, which I have decided not to stress about. I have also decided not to make any time-table for giving it up, because it is the warm happy start to my day.

This question keeps hammering at my juiced-up brain: "If all you're doing is drinking juice from raw veggies and fruits, why not just eat raw vegan food instead?"

Tentative answers to that question:

1. This is a special time of not eating to evaluate eating in general and think about my relationship to food. This is not a life-style: it is recess from food, a retreat.

2. If I start eating raw vegan, I will give in to the next thing, which is adding nuts or whatever, thereby piling on fat content. I am trying to lose weight--to get into the Ones--so I want to avoid fat. I am not throwing avos into my juicer, let alone cashews!

I continue to sit in my chair, advise young relatives about their love lives, do my homework, and have the family bear the burdens of the day--they are doing the housework. Really, I am on retreat in general (although I am available to read stories and explain math problems) and am indulging in that.

This morning's weight: 216.2, for a loss of 8.6 in three days, but only 1.2 since yesterday, which makes sense. We can therefore check off the first day and maybe the second as initial water.

I am feeling fine. I am not hungry, although I am thinking about food a little. I am old and wise enough to dismiss foolish food thoughts. I am not making plans for any future day to eat, nor am I making any future plans for the extension of the Juice Fast past today.

One day at a time, and we will see how it all goes, shall we?

DAY THREE JUICE FAST

So far I am having no problems. This may be because I live in a uniquely-supportive atmosphere. No one is sabotaging me or waving cookies under my nose, not even my teenagers. They are all very "You go, Mom!" about it.

Also, as I said previously, I don't have to work. I can imagine that if you had to navigate work and social situations, a juice fast would be a horrible experience, extremely difficult to accomplish.

I get to sleep in, watch the Inauguration, Facebook half the day away and then study for the other half, the rest of the family doing their Holiday (MLK) thing.

I also get a one-hour foot massage each day from one or the other teenager, although today they were demanding double-time-and-a-half because it is a holiday. "Dad gets double time and a half on holidays, so we should too!" There's good thinking there, so my foot massage cost me $12.50 today and was worth every penny.

I still haven't braved the no-coffee thing, but I am entirely unwilling to say "failure" over an exercise in willpower that is astonishing even in these amazingly-easy conditions. I had one cup of coffee with Splenda (I know, I know) and almond milk.

Call me a failure for that deviation if you must, but I'm the one doing the work here, and to quote the President's Second Inaugural Address, "We have to try, even though we know our efforts will be imperfect." Not sure that's an exact quote, but it was something close to that. He's talking about spreading Democracy--I'm just talking about a cup of coffee, people. Let it go!

Weighed in at 217.8 (every tenth helps, and after all, my scale give the answer that way, so I'm just passing it on), which is, yes, let's hear it, 7 pounds from 224.8, my official starting weight 48 hours earlier.

Don't despair if you are not losing this much weight--first of all, it's all water, right? and second of all, you aren't as fat as me, so you will lose less. These things seem to progress proportionately.

Onward!

Juice Fast Day 2

It's the second day of my Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead-inspired juice fast. I drank a stiff cup of coffee this morning, because I was not about to go out the door to church with two teenagers and a caffeine-withdrawal headache. There's time enough for that after the Inauguration tomorrow.

I awoke this morning with the distinct feeling that it was Spring and all was right with the world.  This was a physical feeling of hope and wellness. It lasted until after church, at which time I was plunged into a feeling of hunger so gripping, I had to rush to the kitchen, fumble around with all the parts on the juicer and hurry-quick throw in the kale-etcetera. However--hahaha--the first sip of Mean Green Juice was so nasty (it was nasty on Day One too), I instantly slowed down and sipped at it until it was finished.

I later had some hot water and then, around 4, another juice--this time with a grapefruit tossed in instead of the 1/2 apple and 1/2 lemon. I also left out the ginger root. My kitchen smells like Whole Foods.

Strangely, there was an hour of so today when I was assaulted by visions of things I haven't eaten or cared about in the year since I became vegan: melted cheese, hot dogs burned to perfection (!), slathered with mustard, and stuffed into a fluffy bun, One of my sons offered me a baked french fry, but I replied that I was juicing and that the world will not run out of french fries any time soon--they will be available whenever I want them again.

So, I'm good for today. No promises about tomorrow.

I have allowed myself to fantasize about the possibilities of what a 30-day juice fast would do for me. For starters, it would put me in "one-derland," a land I haven't seen for a few years and then only for the briefest glance.  I have even allowed myself to envision the possibility of a full-blown 60-day fast like Joe does in FSAND, which would basically solve my life and give me a new beginning, a new me, an end to the foolishness of upping and downing.

More importantly, a long juice fast (and I'm not saying I'm going to attempt one) would give me the opportunity--the TIME--to sit and think about my relationship to food in general, to myself as a Fat Person, to particular deliciousnesses in particular that I need to separate myself from, vegan or not.

However, not having the resources Joe has, it seems less than certain that I could even try to attempt such a thing. Still, even though I'm not a rich girl who can afford to have an entire film crew chronicling the long fast, I don't work and I have that amazing miracle: the supportive family. Dear hubby has already asked whether the cheap juicer is sufficient or if I'll be needing the more expensive model.

Weighed in at 220 today. Yes, a whopping 4.8 less than yesterday. Call it water. No intestinal crises at all--maybe that's because I've already been vegan for a year and my innards are already acclimated to this stuff.

Day One Juice Fast

I told a few people I might be going to start a juice fast on January 22. I wanted to enjoy MLK/Inauguration Day. But then, I decided to start today--bought a juicer, because the last time I tried this (which lasted about 24 hours), I used my blender, so my "juice" was full of chunks of yucky raw kale, not a plan. Of course, I could have squeezed it out or sieved it better, but there you have it.

Today--right now (10 p.m., January 19), I'm having the feelings one would expect to have:

1. who do you think you are that you should try this extreme measure?
2. why do you think this will work when nothing else has?
3. don't you realize you are going to (a) fail and (b) be right where you have always been?
4. how accommodating do you really expect everyone around here to be?

I take the initiative to answer these questions:

1. I am me. I get to do whatever I want. I get to make choices I feel will bring long life and health to the body I have been given BY GOD. I get to take care of it in this extreme way--by feeding myself micronutrients, by avoiding all junk and faux-food, by "rebooting" (F, S, and ND terminology).

2. Damn you, I get TO TRY. If I am able to juice, juice, and nothing but the juice for enough days, OBV it will work--I will be healthier than I am now (10:02, 1/19/13). I WON'T weight 225, like I do right now. I will be better off. I GET TO REDEFINE MYSELF IF I WANT TO.

3. this is the hardest one. But TODAY is not yesterday and NOW is not then, and LILY is not my mother, and I today am not that abusive bound-to-fail hater of myself that I used to be. I see that I DESERVE THIS OPPORTUNITY to make myself better, to achieve something remarkable, to be more than I ever thought I could be--to look at my body and see hope, future, beauty, grace.

4. Everyone will be fine. They WANT me to succeed. Besides, it doesn't hurt them. The kitchen is open and full of amazing food of every healthful kind.

Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead

I am going to try a juice fast, a la Joe Cross's Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.  Day One is today. I am not setting up any expectations as to number of days. I'm going to do this for my next meal: that's as far as I'll promise.

It's easy to say, "I'll do this for 60 days and lose 60 pounds," but anything can happen (and probably will), so I'll make no pronouncements of the kind, except to say that right now I'm going to have my second glass of Mean Green Juice.

Check it out at www.fatsickandnearlydead.com

Disgusted

As I thought would happen, it has happened.

One day eating yummy (if vegan) things instead of strictly restricting myself has led to diet mayhem. Yesterday, because I was distressed about visiting Lily and eating her yummy food and going from 222 to 224, I ate too much. AND, as predicted, today I am 225, AND as further predicted, my food-for-all has spiraled out of control: today I ate french fries (wait for it) twice.

So tomorrow I will weigh 226 or 227 and once again I will have regained all of a hard-fought, hard-lost 25 pound loss that I spent most of 2012 to achieve.

Stuffed back in my 24s, I am very very angry.

Other people can eat a plate of fries and not gain 2 pounds. I can't. Other people can snack at a party and not gain a pound. I can't. Other people will, if they eat like I normally eat, lose weight---I won't. I will gain weight if I eat an ordinary amount of food and I will lose weight only if I am fully 60/60/24/7 focused on what I am and am not eating.

For me to lose weight, I have to eat 1/2 a cup of edamame and a vegan patty twice a day. Ordinary, "balanced" eating will leave me stuffed in my 24s feeling disgusting, gross, fat, and out of control, ugly, hating myself and feeling humiliated in every situation at every moment.

Crying. Again. Like, hello, are 50 years not enough to teach me to not eat french fries? To avoid movie popcorn? To lay off the fatty salad dressing? Super hate everything.

Feeling Fat and Despaired

Remember when I said I weighed 218? That was so 2012. Now with all sorts of yummy vegan foods and getting together with fun vegan friend and really, just being over 50 and not able to lose weight...wait for it....224.

I hate the idea that I (still) (after all these years!) get on the scale to "see how I'm doing." That is, whether I'm a good girl or whether I'm a bad girl. Recently, I gave up stepping on the scale, ate reasonable, vegan food choices for three weeks--did not overeat or otherwise sabotage myself--then weighed and found myself at 222.

That was yesterday, before my first visit to Lily's house, and today I am 224, kid you not. It is just disgusting and despairing, and, as every fatty knows, seeing the number go up doesn't make me want to eat less, it makes me want to say, "forget it" and eat whatever all day long.

I really hate myself today. Especially because tomorrow I'm likely to be back to that horror, 225. That number after which is 250. When four months ago I was 203, having really worked hard after once again getting up to 227, and here I am again and here I am again hating myself.

I was within sight of one-derland and threw it all away. Again. 

Yeah, yeah, I'm kind, smart, important, educated, loved, comfortable, creative, blah, blah, blah, and fat.

Fat Vegan Olivia, that's me.