Hi, I'm Lily Olé

I grew up in a fat family with a (very) fat mom, fat dad, fat aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins. Most of us were good, old, American FAT – twenty to fifty pounds heavier than we ought to have been. Although I was always bigger (fatter and taller) than most girls in my class, at puberty, I started to really balloon up. I have had this gut of mine since I was about thirteen and the thick thighs and wide butt, too. Chubby at thirteen can be cute, but the older I got the fatter I got and now I’m forty and there’s nothing cute about it. My fat, disgusting body has been the source of extreme self-loathing almost my entire life. It’s so frustrating to be so hugely impacted in so many areas of your life by an issue that you haven’t been able to overcome in decades and how depressing to know that all it takes is to control your diet and you can’t do that one thing. With all I’ve accomplished in my life and I can’t get a handle on this one thing? How do I spend time every single day feeling shitty about myself, being nearly CONSTANTLY and painfully aware of my fatness in practically everything I do, and not have just FIXED my weight problem by now? It’s maddening! Well, I’m at a point in my life where I there is no going back so I may as well go forward. Becoming vegan six years ago set me on a path where I’ve learned a lot about nutrition. I understand the science of my body enough now to know how I got here and what it’s going to take to finally live healthfully. And I’m starting to understand how the things I’ve done and the things that have happened to me (some of them pretty awful) have all worked to help keep me fat. I’m hoping that sorting it all out here will be the thing to motivate me, but also…release me. Even if I stay fat forever I just want to stop hating myself. I want to look in the mirror and not think terrible things to myself.  I want to forgive myself for all these years of torment and stop living with shame in everything that I do. I’m ready to open up and L E T   I T   G O. I’m ready to love myself.