This is Why I Think about Gastric Bypass

because today I weight 219.8. Because eating almost ANYTHING causes giant weight gain.

VEGGIE DAY!

I had a kale-carrot-cucumber juice today for breakfast. Then, throughout the day I ate lots of yummy, crunchy celery and carrots. I had a potato, a grapefruit, a banana. Later, I had a veggie burger (at home, not at Islands!) with some veggies-and-hummus on the side. Totally indulged on really healthy, yummy stuff.

Of course I felt bad about how much I ate, because, after all, after nine days of drinking juice, one should have one's act together and she be delighted with clear cucumber juice and celery stalks, but alas, I enjoy eating.

Tonight I watched Chocolat, than which there is no yummier movie.

Completely hate myself for all my eating, even though it's all vegan and all healthy and all delicious.

217.6, of course. After all, I ate real food for a couple of days. Ridiculous. Oh, I also ate an apple. A delicious red apple, sweet and fine. Tomorrow I will wonder why I have gained weight, when anyone can see what I did today: apple, banana, grapefruit, celery, carrots, hummus, potato, almond milk, 2 slices of sourdough, vegennaise, vegan patty. For others, this might equal starvation. For me it equals at least a new pound.

DAY 11: FOOD!!!

Today I had that Veggie Burger and Fries at Islands. It was amazingly good--I know maybe I should have had something in between all those apples yesterday and the full-on meal, but it caused me zero problems and was suuuuuuuper yummy delish!

AND HERE'S SOMETHING AMAZING--I didn't add salt!!!! If you knew me, you would know this is beyond miraculous. I add salt to everything--I mean everything--and have since I can remember (I have very low blood pressure). I usually salt both the fries and the veggie patty, but didn't even reach for it--in fact the mayo (not vegan) seemed very salty to me and I used very little. I usually slather it all on.

AND--more miracle--I didn't eat all the fries. What? Me not even think to reach for the salt and me not finish all my fries and look around for more? (Scary, because Islands offers bottomless fries--they'll refill you if you want!)

EVEN GREATER-- I was sort of bummed out after eating all that--since I'd only had juice and yesterday's apples in all these days--but tonight when I got hungry again, I thought, "Well, I'm done with the juice fast. I might as well make some food," and what did I do? Did I reach for another veggie patty? No. Did I whip up some spaghetti? No.  (drum roll) I did what my body wanted--I cleaned and inhaled SIX CARROTS, kid you not. WHAT IS THAT?

What it is is this--I've been rebooted. I've been re-set. I can tell what I want! I really think the reason I went out for the burger/fries is because I've been talking about it on here all week and it was in my head, and now that that's out of my psyche (it was definitely more of a psych thing than a body-hunger thing), I'm all good with that.

As for the HORRIBLE CHOLESTEROL numbers, I think I need to get real and realize it's all the fries and mayo and kinda-vegan-if-you-don't-count-the-milk salad dressing I've been indulging in the three or four weeks just prior to my juice fast. So I'm going to forget about that and push onward.

Hubby still juicing. I'm going to eat whole veggies I think now, since I seem to have a real need for the fiber.

Today's weight: 214.4.  I'm a fan of that. Ten days prior to this weigh-in, I was 224.8.

DAY TEN: APPLES and ...

It's Day Ten of my Juice Fast, but today I ate two apples to get the intestines going. Success! I was not prepared ahead of time for the possibility that lack of fiber would cause trouble. Most people seem to have the opposite trouble--but since I've been vegan for a year, perhaps that had something to do with it.

I am about to out myself on Facebook as having done a ten-day (with 2 apples) juice fast. Or, to be quite strict: a Nine-Day Juice Fast Plus One Day of Just Fruits. That is, unless I eat a veggie burger tonight, which my body has been loudly asking for!

Today's weight: 215.

APPLES AND PERISTALSIS

Had an apple today. THAT STARTED THE ENGINE. I feel MUCH MUCH MUCH better now. Maybe have me some juice now, people!!!!

Super humiliated that my back pain was probably nothing more than BLOCKED INTESTINES--what a relief!  LOL. Joke's on me.

DAY NINE JUICE FAST

I've started asking everyone to bring over what they make so I can admire it and smell it and look at how gorgeous it is. Toasted onion rolls slathered in vegennaise, topped with avos, tomatoes, lettuce, and vegan patties. I mean it, that is GOOD STUFF.  I'm having a great time admiring it, although, to be strictly honest, I could like me some of that.

Son Number One made a juice last night and sucked it down.

The giant pile of produce is diminishing.

I feel fine, if slowed down some. I am able to just sit and read and think and drink water and have a few juices all day, so it's just been a lovely retreat. I haven't gone shopping or done any errands at all. Haven't even been to the mailbox. It's been like a lovely vacation from my life.

My back is significantly better just from taking it easy, using hot packs. Last time this happened to me I had three babies (3, 1, and 1) and couldn't really check out of life for the healing time.  I don't think I'll need the chiropractor at all. I never did take any meds.

I would like to eat something. I would also like to see how ten days or two weeks of this effects my cholesterol.

Today's weight: 214.6. Fascinating how we seem to be doing the point-six and the point-two fairly consistently. Down 10 pounds in 8 days (this is day 9 so 8 days have passed) of nothing but juice.

DAY EIGHT JUICE FAST

Who'd a thunk it? EIGHT DAYS OF THE WEEK! We are cruising along, with one tiny glitch to report today...my back failed last night.

This has happened to me only once before. Around Christmas, 2000, I leaned over (slight incline) my son's high-chair to give him a banana. Suddenly, and without any warning whatever, I was fully incapacitated, my back in a staggering amount of pain. I had to crawl to my husband to get help. Embarrassingly, extended family was in the house that Christmas, and my 87-year-old, very fit and sprightly grandmother thought this was part of the holiday fun--to laugh at me!

A visit to the chiropractor fixed everything, but I still stumbled around hesitatingly for a few days.

Fast forward 12 years. Last night, for no good reason except dire necessity, I was putting in a load of whites, when again suddenly and again with no warning whatever (no preliminary twinges), boom, there it went. Not as bad this time. I was able to pour in the bleach and get myself to bed, where I collapsed in pain, slept for a solid nine hours and woke up not-quite incapacitated, but mooovvviiinnnggg slowly.

I'm guessing that this has nothing to do with the juice fast, but rather, is just one o' those things that happens every twelve years or so.

I decided to treat it--not with anti-inflammatories and pain reducers--by letting my body heal itself, thanks to whoever sent me Pleasure Trap, which came yesterday and which I have been, Providencially, reading just as this moment of need. Am drinking lots of water and resting.

In the Food World, I did manage to (painfully) haul myself upright to help Elder Daughter make some Rice Krispie Treats for a party. It all looked very yummy, but I could see past the pleasure potential to the concentrated animal product (real butter), the super concentrated sugar (marshmallows), and the fiber-removed crispy rice. No, I didn't taste it.

I did blend up a juice today instead of juicing it--to get the fiber I mentioned yesterday I was in needing. Sort of a chewy juice, and I wasn't a fan. I think I'll just let nature take its course.

Today's weight: 215.6, more than yesterday by a touch, but I'm not worrying. We already went through this angst a pound ago, so I'm past that.

Fascinatingly, Pleasure Trap talks about water-only fasting to HEAL DISEASES. So I don't feel bad at all that my body is not begging for lots of juice today--it's in full healing mode on my back and can't be bothered with lots of food.

Thanks for reading. Stay tuned.

Oh! Hubby had two juices again today.

End of WEEK ONE

Just a few thoughts about this Amazing Week.

1. I was never hungry, except for the few moments today when I couldn't get to the kitchen. There was always plenty of food available for me.

2. I didn't drink as much produce as Joe Cross does in FSAND, not even close. But considering that he was over 300 pounds, this stands to reason. A 300-pound man needs a lot more food than I do just to stay awake.

3. I didn't notice until the third day that I hadn't had any salt for three days and, even better, hadn't noticed the loss. This is really quite extraordinary, because I am a SALT FIEND. I salt everything always and way too much at that. I didn't miss salt at all all week.

4. I do feel the need for--how to say this delicately--fiber. Unlike (apparently) most people, my intestines have not been working overtime. Rather, they have been doing almost nothing. So, I may chew on a few celery sticks tomorrow to see if we can get things moving. On the other hand, it's not like there would be a whole lot of bulk to move, if you know what I mean. Enough of that.

5. I feel fine. I've been super lazy and mostly just sat in my chair the whole week, hanging out with friends on Facebook, doing homework, cuddling sick sons, chit-chatting with people who come in the room.

6. Still no promises about anything past this juice I am drinking right now: it's a delicious concoction--let's go ahead and call it desert because of all the fruit--kale, cucumber, tomatoes, apple, and (delish) a whole grapefruit! Yummy in my tummy!

Thanks for staying with me!

DAY SEVEN JUICE FAST

Hey, it's Day Seven! That means tomorrow morning will be my one-week mark on this amazing journey.

Today I felt hunger pangs. This is new! Until now, I have been gliding happily along, juicing whenever I felt the least bit needy, but today, a sick boy said, "Mama, come cuddle with me," so I did that and while I was reading my book next to my sick son, another (smaller) sick son wrapped himself in a blankie, climbed on top of me and fell asleep!

So there I was, lying on my side, propped up to read, while Little One snoozed on my soft fat body and Bigger One wanted his hand held and his cool cloth occasionally re-positioned. This is true Mommy Stuff, and if you are in such a position and your stomach starts to actually grrrroooowwll, you say, "Screw you, hunger! I'm DOING something here!" Being a mom is way cooler than drinking juice: that's all I'm saying.

Today's news: HUBBY decided to join me! I gently encouraged him NOT to, which may have helped this guy's motivation along, you never know.

I apologized for being a you-know-what about all the food he got yesterday. He said not to worry about it--if it rots, it rots, and in the meantime, we have all the produce we could possibly need.

Today: 215.2, so we're ON THE ROAD AGAIN!

DAY SIX JUICE FAST

Well, here's a pretty kettle of fish--hubby goes out today and lays in $200 worth of produce--40 cucumbers, bunches upon bunches upon bunches of kale, tomatoes in great masses, ginger root by the tree, oranges, apples, grapefruits, spinach enough to power Popeye for a year's worth of crises.

I'm super upset. I feel PRESSURED now to juice all this stuff. I know he was just being sweet and accommodating and not wanting to be sent to the store every three days. But, first of all, the MONEY was a TON, and now I feel that if I don't carry through for at least ANOTHER WHOLE WEEK, I will have disappointed him and wasted his money!!!

He bought a 25-pound bag of carrots!!!!

I'm torn between the typical (I think) reaction of simply bursting into tears and whining, "What? You think I'm so fat you want me to stay on a juice fast forever?!?!" and then he will say, "I thought you wanted a lot of produce," and I will say, "I do, but this is not a lot of produce--this is the Garden of Eden," and he will say, "isn't that a good thing?" and I will cry and feel stupid and run out and eat a veggie burger and fries at Islands!

216.2 again today. Whatevs. The whole day is an emotional loss, so who cares about the fact that the  scale is stuck in FATLAND. Never mind that I am drinking KALE JUICE spiked with grossnesses like SPINACH JUICE.

So this is Day Six, and I'm very upset, and although I do not feel physically bad or otherwise discouraged, the emotional toll of the day has been heavy.

FOOD LOOKS SO AMAZING AND YUMMY

I was just watching Son Number Two (also 13) make his dinner. He nuked two veggie "chicken" patties. While they were heating, he pulled out four pieces of whole wheat bread, slathered the bread with vegenaisse, sliced some dill pickles and put them on, then swirled a little mustard on. Then he added some nice crunchy green leaves and then put on the heated patties.

I watched open-eyed, almost salivating. It looked like a miracle, that yumminess, and I thanked God that He made it so FOOD TASTES GOOD, so satiation is a pleasure to taste, to eyes, to noses. The process of working in the kitchen (especially with others), of gathering your ingredients, building your meal, knowing it is going to nourish you, and then sitting down with it and enjoying the heck out of it, is one of the miracles of life.

I've never seen it quite this way before, because I have always taken food for granted and just hey if you want food go have it it's there this is America don't you know. You know? But today, I'm not eating, just sucking rather continuously on my water bottles full of clear green liquid micronutrients, and I look and see what a miracle it is....to eat.

I want to be more deliberate about that in the future: to give it some thought. They call it "mindful eating." I'm going to try that.

GASTRIC BYPASS AND JUICE FASTING: THOUGHTS

If you've read any of my previous posts, you may have seen that I have been seriously considering having gastric bypass surgery, and have gone through all the steps requisite for that surgery. My hesitance has been the whole idea of invasive surgery to mutilate a perfectly-healthy organ, my stomach, just so I won't stuff as much food and faux-food into my face.

This seems like maybe it is not the wisest thing for me to do. After all, Gastric Bypass is not miraculous and it is not magic. It doesn't make you thin. What gastric does is give you a window of opportunity during which you are unable to ingest more than the smallest amount of food, most of it liquid. This gives you an opportunity to think about food and your relationship to it while you very quickly lose a good amount of weight. With any luck and a decent amount of motivation and support, you will continue to lose weight once you are eating again. And, with a little more luck and a good amount of motivation and support, you will maintain your large weight loss and have you life. Or have it back again, depending on when and how you gained all that weight.

Sort of like juice-fasting, except without the major surgery. Except doing it this way you have a choice at any moment to go get a burger (vegan Boca) and (baked) fries.

Might work for some people to "reboot" as Joe Cross says.

DAY FIVE JUICE FAST

Hello, friends! Guess what--I'm here on Day Five chugging along, still no problems.
By no problems, I mean: no diarrhea, no starvation, no shakes, no feeling faint, no angry husband or children saying what-the-heck.

Of course, there are the mental nudges, which I'm going to out as Messengers of Satan--those creepy little demonic THOUGHTS that intrude upon an otherwise happy day and go, "You are such a failure--maybe you're on Day Five, but you are not EVEN going to succeed," whereat I shout, "HA!" because you and I both know that I have made no promises, nor have I even subliminally formed any aspirations about how long this particular eating (or rather, non-eating) activity is going to last. To be clear, I can't fail because I have already succeeded.

NOT ONLY THAT, but people, come on--why do we always judge ourselves every time we try to do something? Why must we evaluate everything we put our hands to? Why do we continually assess and analyze and scrutinize, instead of just doing something? So, down with all that judging.

This mental nudge I'm calling "fear of inevitable failure because I've always failed before" can be debilitating no matter what your battle. The thought-that-turns-into-fear that poses this idea, "You know there's going to be fresh bread at Mom's, and you know you won't be able to turn that down--and you shouldn't turn it down, so--ha--you are going to fail then, so you might as well give up now!" This would be akin to telling some man who struggles against lust for other women than his wife, "Well, buster, you know when you go to the beach this summer, there are going to be some hot babes there and you are just simply going to utterly and wholly and delightedly fail not to lust after them, so what the hey, turn on the porn now!" It's the same thing. It is exactly the same thing.

Down with all that.

Today's weight 216.4. Yes, I felt that way too. HIGHER than yesterday, what is up with that? Well, consider this. Two-tenths of a pound is 3.2 ounces, less than half a cup of water. I have no explanation for this gigantic, self-esteem destroying GAIN. We'll just see what it says tomorrow, how 'bout that instead of saying, "What the--! If I can't lose weight by doing a juice fast, what is the point of even trying?"

Dear Self: there is a point in trying. There is value in effort. There is a positive good in being kind to your body, in being affirming to your spirit. Do another day, why not?

Here's a little blessing: Number One Son (age 13) has declared himself to be the World's Greatest Juice Maker and is now in charge of Mom's Juices. I call out the ingredients, he gathers and rinses them and then does his magic. His spinach, cucumber, kale, and apple number from today was yummy.

Food craving today--grilled salmon. It's strange that all my food thoughts have been of meat--I don't eat meat, haven't in a long time. Maybe I need more protein. Let's stuff some broccoli down the jaws of that juicer, shall we?

DAY FOUR JUICE FAST

This morning, I was a little bit empty and shaky. Not hungry, but my hands felt "light-headed," if you know what I mean. I had my coffee, which I have decided not to stress about. I have also decided not to make any time-table for giving it up, because it is the warm happy start to my day.

This question keeps hammering at my juiced-up brain: "If all you're doing is drinking juice from raw veggies and fruits, why not just eat raw vegan food instead?"

Tentative answers to that question:

1. This is a special time of not eating to evaluate eating in general and think about my relationship to food. This is not a life-style: it is recess from food, a retreat.

2. If I start eating raw vegan, I will give in to the next thing, which is adding nuts or whatever, thereby piling on fat content. I am trying to lose weight--to get into the Ones--so I want to avoid fat. I am not throwing avos into my juicer, let alone cashews!

I continue to sit in my chair, advise young relatives about their love lives, do my homework, and have the family bear the burdens of the day--they are doing the housework. Really, I am on retreat in general (although I am available to read stories and explain math problems) and am indulging in that.

This morning's weight: 216.2, for a loss of 8.6 in three days, but only 1.2 since yesterday, which makes sense. We can therefore check off the first day and maybe the second as initial water.

I am feeling fine. I am not hungry, although I am thinking about food a little. I am old and wise enough to dismiss foolish food thoughts. I am not making plans for any future day to eat, nor am I making any future plans for the extension of the Juice Fast past today.

One day at a time, and we will see how it all goes, shall we?

DAY THREE JUICE FAST

So far I am having no problems. This may be because I live in a uniquely-supportive atmosphere. No one is sabotaging me or waving cookies under my nose, not even my teenagers. They are all very "You go, Mom!" about it.

Also, as I said previously, I don't have to work. I can imagine that if you had to navigate work and social situations, a juice fast would be a horrible experience, extremely difficult to accomplish.

I get to sleep in, watch the Inauguration, Facebook half the day away and then study for the other half, the rest of the family doing their Holiday (MLK) thing.

I also get a one-hour foot massage each day from one or the other teenager, although today they were demanding double-time-and-a-half because it is a holiday. "Dad gets double time and a half on holidays, so we should too!" There's good thinking there, so my foot massage cost me $12.50 today and was worth every penny.

I still haven't braved the no-coffee thing, but I am entirely unwilling to say "failure" over an exercise in willpower that is astonishing even in these amazingly-easy conditions. I had one cup of coffee with Splenda (I know, I know) and almond milk.

Call me a failure for that deviation if you must, but I'm the one doing the work here, and to quote the President's Second Inaugural Address, "We have to try, even though we know our efforts will be imperfect." Not sure that's an exact quote, but it was something close to that. He's talking about spreading Democracy--I'm just talking about a cup of coffee, people. Let it go!

Weighed in at 217.8 (every tenth helps, and after all, my scale give the answer that way, so I'm just passing it on), which is, yes, let's hear it, 7 pounds from 224.8, my official starting weight 48 hours earlier.

Don't despair if you are not losing this much weight--first of all, it's all water, right? and second of all, you aren't as fat as me, so you will lose less. These things seem to progress proportionately.

Onward!

Juice Fast Day 2

It's the second day of my Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead-inspired juice fast. I drank a stiff cup of coffee this morning, because I was not about to go out the door to church with two teenagers and a caffeine-withdrawal headache. There's time enough for that after the Inauguration tomorrow.

I awoke this morning with the distinct feeling that it was Spring and all was right with the world.  This was a physical feeling of hope and wellness. It lasted until after church, at which time I was plunged into a feeling of hunger so gripping, I had to rush to the kitchen, fumble around with all the parts on the juicer and hurry-quick throw in the kale-etcetera. However--hahaha--the first sip of Mean Green Juice was so nasty (it was nasty on Day One too), I instantly slowed down and sipped at it until it was finished.

I later had some hot water and then, around 4, another juice--this time with a grapefruit tossed in instead of the 1/2 apple and 1/2 lemon. I also left out the ginger root. My kitchen smells like Whole Foods.

Strangely, there was an hour of so today when I was assaulted by visions of things I haven't eaten or cared about in the year since I became vegan: melted cheese, hot dogs burned to perfection (!), slathered with mustard, and stuffed into a fluffy bun, One of my sons offered me a baked french fry, but I replied that I was juicing and that the world will not run out of french fries any time soon--they will be available whenever I want them again.

So, I'm good for today. No promises about tomorrow.

I have allowed myself to fantasize about the possibilities of what a 30-day juice fast would do for me. For starters, it would put me in "one-derland," a land I haven't seen for a few years and then only for the briefest glance.  I have even allowed myself to envision the possibility of a full-blown 60-day fast like Joe does in FSAND, which would basically solve my life and give me a new beginning, a new me, an end to the foolishness of upping and downing.

More importantly, a long juice fast (and I'm not saying I'm going to attempt one) would give me the opportunity--the TIME--to sit and think about my relationship to food in general, to myself as a Fat Person, to particular deliciousnesses in particular that I need to separate myself from, vegan or not.

However, not having the resources Joe has, it seems less than certain that I could even try to attempt such a thing. Still, even though I'm not a rich girl who can afford to have an entire film crew chronicling the long fast, I don't work and I have that amazing miracle: the supportive family. Dear hubby has already asked whether the cheap juicer is sufficient or if I'll be needing the more expensive model.

Weighed in at 220 today. Yes, a whopping 4.8 less than yesterday. Call it water. No intestinal crises at all--maybe that's because I've already been vegan for a year and my innards are already acclimated to this stuff.

Day One Juice Fast

I told a few people I might be going to start a juice fast on January 22. I wanted to enjoy MLK/Inauguration Day. But then, I decided to start today--bought a juicer, because the last time I tried this (which lasted about 24 hours), I used my blender, so my "juice" was full of chunks of yucky raw kale, not a plan. Of course, I could have squeezed it out or sieved it better, but there you have it.

Today--right now (10 p.m., January 19), I'm having the feelings one would expect to have:

1. who do you think you are that you should try this extreme measure?
2. why do you think this will work when nothing else has?
3. don't you realize you are going to (a) fail and (b) be right where you have always been?
4. how accommodating do you really expect everyone around here to be?

I take the initiative to answer these questions:

1. I am me. I get to do whatever I want. I get to make choices I feel will bring long life and health to the body I have been given BY GOD. I get to take care of it in this extreme way--by feeding myself micronutrients, by avoiding all junk and faux-food, by "rebooting" (F, S, and ND terminology).

2. Damn you, I get TO TRY. If I am able to juice, juice, and nothing but the juice for enough days, OBV it will work--I will be healthier than I am now (10:02, 1/19/13). I WON'T weight 225, like I do right now. I will be better off. I GET TO REDEFINE MYSELF IF I WANT TO.

3. this is the hardest one. But TODAY is not yesterday and NOW is not then, and LILY is not my mother, and I today am not that abusive bound-to-fail hater of myself that I used to be. I see that I DESERVE THIS OPPORTUNITY to make myself better, to achieve something remarkable, to be more than I ever thought I could be--to look at my body and see hope, future, beauty, grace.

4. Everyone will be fine. They WANT me to succeed. Besides, it doesn't hurt them. The kitchen is open and full of amazing food of every healthful kind.

Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead

I am going to try a juice fast, a la Joe Cross's Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.  Day One is today. I am not setting up any expectations as to number of days. I'm going to do this for my next meal: that's as far as I'll promise.

It's easy to say, "I'll do this for 60 days and lose 60 pounds," but anything can happen (and probably will), so I'll make no pronouncements of the kind, except to say that right now I'm going to have my second glass of Mean Green Juice.

Check it out at www.fatsickandnearlydead.com

Disgusted

As I thought would happen, it has happened.

One day eating yummy (if vegan) things instead of strictly restricting myself has led to diet mayhem. Yesterday, because I was distressed about visiting Lily and eating her yummy food and going from 222 to 224, I ate too much. AND, as predicted, today I am 225, AND as further predicted, my food-for-all has spiraled out of control: today I ate french fries (wait for it) twice.

So tomorrow I will weigh 226 or 227 and once again I will have regained all of a hard-fought, hard-lost 25 pound loss that I spent most of 2012 to achieve.

Stuffed back in my 24s, I am very very angry.

Other people can eat a plate of fries and not gain 2 pounds. I can't. Other people can snack at a party and not gain a pound. I can't. Other people will, if they eat like I normally eat, lose weight---I won't. I will gain weight if I eat an ordinary amount of food and I will lose weight only if I am fully 60/60/24/7 focused on what I am and am not eating.

For me to lose weight, I have to eat 1/2 a cup of edamame and a vegan patty twice a day. Ordinary, "balanced" eating will leave me stuffed in my 24s feeling disgusting, gross, fat, and out of control, ugly, hating myself and feeling humiliated in every situation at every moment.

Crying. Again. Like, hello, are 50 years not enough to teach me to not eat french fries? To avoid movie popcorn? To lay off the fatty salad dressing? Super hate everything.

Feeling Fat and Despaired

Remember when I said I weighed 218? That was so 2012. Now with all sorts of yummy vegan foods and getting together with fun vegan friend and really, just being over 50 and not able to lose weight...wait for it....224.

I hate the idea that I (still) (after all these years!) get on the scale to "see how I'm doing." That is, whether I'm a good girl or whether I'm a bad girl. Recently, I gave up stepping on the scale, ate reasonable, vegan food choices for three weeks--did not overeat or otherwise sabotage myself--then weighed and found myself at 222.

That was yesterday, before my first visit to Lily's house, and today I am 224, kid you not. It is just disgusting and despairing, and, as every fatty knows, seeing the number go up doesn't make me want to eat less, it makes me want to say, "forget it" and eat whatever all day long.

I really hate myself today. Especially because tomorrow I'm likely to be back to that horror, 225. That number after which is 250. When four months ago I was 203, having really worked hard after once again getting up to 227, and here I am again and here I am again hating myself.

I was within sight of one-derland and threw it all away. Again. 

Yeah, yeah, I'm kind, smart, important, educated, loved, comfortable, creative, blah, blah, blah, and fat.

Fat Vegan Olivia, that's me.