Down With Comfort Zones

Fine. I have a meeting this week with a bunch of people I've never met. Truth is, it's a support group for FATTIES LIKE ME. We're going to talk about our Relationship To Food (constant, loving) and wonder aloud how that plays into all our other relationships.

So, now that you've encouraged me, I'm going to go to this meeting, not in jeans and a frumpy top, but ALL DRESSED UP, including make-up and jewelry!!! I won't wear heels, because I can't walk in them, but I will definitely wear a dress and nice flats. AND SPANX, to show that I am not totally unselfaware.

The thing about me and SPANX is that when I walk, it makes that woosh-woosh sound of "HEY, YOUR THIGHS RUB TOGETHER!"

Fat story about thighs rubbing together: I went to private schools where we were required to wear pantyhose, and if you walk around in pantyhose day after day (let's say you don't have very many pairs, so you have to wash and reuse them for over a week, or until they die of runs), and your thighs are rubbing together hour after hour, THEY WEAR OUT at the inner thigh, but you still have to walk around.

So now your thighs are rubbing together and there's these blobs of inner-thigh fat that are bulging out of the holes in the pantyhose and (I don't mean to be overly graphic but....) friction, erosion, whatever, you can get very painful friction burns, which makes you walk funny, because you are in an inner hell of pain and what are you supposed to do about it? You can't take your pantyhose off, because they are part of the dress code, and you can't put gauze or tissue there because it will still rub together and sort of flake off as you walk, leaving a damning trail. So you just live in pain and agony and try to walk like you're not dying and hope you don't actually start to drip blood, because you know what THAT will look like.

To this day, I won't go to the mall or take any long walks if I'm wearing a dress, because this problem has not magically gone away, and pantyhose are not required. Fat thighs that rub together will eventually cause friction burns, and these hurt really really badly, plus then you have sores on the inside of your thigh, and who wants to have to explain that to a skinny husband whose thighs couldn't touch each other if he were put in some kind of thigh vice? So, if you see me around, and I'm wearing pants, fine, I'll go on a walk with you. If I'm wearing a dress, nope. Not happening. I'll say, "Sorry, I have a headache," or "Sorry, I'm a fat, lazy bum who never takes walks," but the truth is, if I go walking, my giant thighs will rub each other to death and I'll have sores.

Nor can you put bandages on sores like these to protect them from future walking, because (as above), when you walk, the bandages will just friction off.

Anyway, I'll be wearing a DRESS to the FATSO SUPPORT GROUP ("and why do you think you had french fries tonight when you know they are bad for you?"), therefore I will not be able to walk around the mall on my way home.