Eighteen Inches

I have so many necklaces. For years I've picked them up whenever I find a super cute one. I don't wear necklaces though. They're for "one day" when I'm not so fat and can adorn myself without feeling like I'm trying do the whole (faux) silk purse from a sow's ear thing. Besides feeling like people would pity me for trying to pretty up this mess there is also the fact that jewelry looks ridiculous on me. I'll find something really cute that would go perfect with some outfit and then I'll try it all on and I'll look so unnatural and forced and weird that I just can't imagine going out in public. I have worn a few little pendant necklaces with sentimental value, always on very long chains because short chains (which are always so much shorter than they're meant to look on my fat neck) make me look like I'm some giant monster trying on human jewelry. Dear lord. I know how horrible I am to myself. I'm only trying to be completely honest and these are the things I think. I mean, I know I should be kinder to myself, but when we are all alone in our thoughts and all the bullshit is pushed aside, when you're not having to worry about hurting someone's feelings or not coming across as a bitch, there is truth and this is truth. Jewelry looks weird on me because of my size. Bracelets only accentuate the fatness of my arms, rings on these sausage fingers look silly, anything more than studs looks like I'm trying too hard and the rest of the package is too lacking to be doing big earrings, for goodness' sake. And the exact same thing happens with clothes - everything looks awkward and awful and so it sits unused just like all my damn costume jewelry. I know what's going on in my head is not healthy. I don't know how to increase my self-worth except for to increase my value in my own eyes. I don't know any better way than to start being a better person who does the things she believes in (like eating a lot of whole plant foods to nurture the body and not a lot of shit food). The other day I put on a little star pendant I got for Christmas many years ago and I put it on a short chain because when it comes to other people, I've decided I'm tired of caring what other people think. I'm too old to keep caring. Maybe after I have regained the respect of myself I can start worrying about other people. In the meantime I want to stop waiting for "one day" when everything is perfect because I'll be thin and just enjoy now, just as I am (but hopefully constantly working towards a better me). I want to wear my jewelry even if I look awful. Let them go home to their families and tell them about the hideous beast in Target who dared to wear big old hoop earrings and a funky necklace while also being hefty.

-Lilly