Disgusted

As I thought would happen, it has happened.

One day eating yummy (if vegan) things instead of strictly restricting myself has led to diet mayhem. Yesterday, because I was distressed about visiting Lily and eating her yummy food and going from 222 to 224, I ate too much. AND, as predicted, today I am 225, AND as further predicted, my food-for-all has spiraled out of control: today I ate french fries (wait for it) twice.

So tomorrow I will weigh 226 or 227 and once again I will have regained all of a hard-fought, hard-lost 25 pound loss that I spent most of 2012 to achieve.

Stuffed back in my 24s, I am very very angry.

Other people can eat a plate of fries and not gain 2 pounds. I can't. Other people can snack at a party and not gain a pound. I can't. Other people will, if they eat like I normally eat, lose weight---I won't. I will gain weight if I eat an ordinary amount of food and I will lose weight only if I am fully 60/60/24/7 focused on what I am and am not eating.

For me to lose weight, I have to eat 1/2 a cup of edamame and a vegan patty twice a day. Ordinary, "balanced" eating will leave me stuffed in my 24s feeling disgusting, gross, fat, and out of control, ugly, hating myself and feeling humiliated in every situation at every moment.

Crying. Again. Like, hello, are 50 years not enough to teach me to not eat french fries? To avoid movie popcorn? To lay off the fatty salad dressing? Super hate everything.